Navigating the Holidays When Family Relationships are Complicated
The holidays are coming up, and for some people that is wonderful news. The warm twinkle of lights around town, the vacation days, cultural or religious traditions and, time with family.
But for a lot of people the holidays can be daunting. During the time of year that prioritizes family, it can feel incredibly isolating when visiting relatives doesn’t feel safe or welcoming. Or it may be off the table entirely for one reason or another.
Whether you’re estranged from your family completely or have strained relations that make the holidays difficult, here are some ways to cope through the holidays.
Allow yourself to feel how you feel about it
As the old saying goes: The only way out is through. That applies to difficult emotions about your family situation too.
Losing connection with close family members isn’t just sad, it can be destabilizing. The stress you can feel about it, especially around the holidays, which tend to be family-centric, can trigger stress, anxiety, or depression. Trying to ignore these feelings or judge yourself negatively for having them can have a snowball effect that make these emotions stronger, resulting in a feeling of stuckness.
Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel your feelings. Giving yourself permission to feel that way releases guilt or shame and helps to move those emotions through your body faster. So, try not to judge yourself for them, or avoid them. But don’t ruminate either. Instead of getting drawn into memory or story, sit with how the emotions feel in your body. And if you find yourself getting distracted by self-judgment or negative thoughts, just return your awareness to how your body is feeling these emotions. Remember that they won’t stick around forever. Once the emotion feels less intense you can try journaling about what you’re feeling or verbalizing your feelings aloud to yourself. You can even try writing a letter to your estranged family member(s). You can then tuck into a book or a journal, or burn it. Sometimes that kind of ritual can itself offer some relief. If you’re feeling activated after doing any of these activities just return again to the emotional sensations in your body to center yourself.
If you’re the one who pulled back from one or more family members, remember that your boundary is valid. And that it’s sometimes hard to the right thing for yourself, but it will get easier over time.
Delete any social media apps you think will cause stress during the holidays
Social Media can be stressful in the best of times, so in times that you know you’re feeling more sensitive, it can be a great idea to opt out altogether.
The holidays when your feed is filled with photos of other people connecting with their family around the dinner table or unwrapping presents in matching pajamas (many of those photos are staged for the ‘gram, but it still doesn’t feel great). This may make a person who is excluded, or excluding themself, from such family gatherings sad or jealous they aren’t having the same experience. Let yourself to take a break from this type of content so you’re not adding on to your emotional burden. I’m giving you permission to delete the app from your phone and reivisit whether you want to reinstall it after the New Year.
Plan Ahead
For those of you seeing family members over the holidays that you have a strained relationship with it can be helpful to set boundaries. Boundaries don’t necessarily have to be communicated to other people, you can just plan using past behaviors that you didn’t like using an if, then frame. Like IF uncle Dan makes racist remarks, THEN I’m going to step away and take a breather by offering to get more ice.
Of course, if you feel comfortable communicating with your family on what you are and are not comfortable with, that is helpful as well, so you have other people help steer the situation. And if you can, bring an ally, whether it’s a partner, friend, or other family member.
It can be helpful to have a couple of canned responses, such as, “I am not interested in discussing ____. I’d rather talk about _____,” or “I’m not open to discussing that at this time.” You always have power over how these conversations could go, and if your boundaries aren’t respected, you can always leave, the conversation or the gathering itself.
Stay Connected
When you’re already feeling alone, it can feel natural to turn inward and pull away from friends instead of pushing yourself to be vulnerable. However, it’s important that you don’t isolate yourself even more.
Even if you feel like the only person in the world who’s spending time away from their family during the holidays—or spending time with family but anxiously counting every minute of it—you are definitely not alone. Sharing a bit about your family situation with people you trust might even help you realize they’re dealing with similar issues. Also, being vulnerable will deepen the connections you already have. People often worry about being downers or a burden. Trust me, your friends will not see you that way.
Even besides the holidays, when your familial relationships are strained, it’s important to develop fulfilling and meaningful relationships outside of your family. The chosen family or found family is a long held practice in queer communities. Friends can be the family you choose and can rely on in ways that you can’t with your family of origin. Consider the people in your life who can provide you with support and solidarity and develop your own close community.
Check-in with a therapist before or after the holidays
Maybe you already have a therapist who knows how you feel about the holidays, in which case, great. Be sure to go over your emotions and game plan with them before, and fill them in on how it went after.
If you don’t have a therapist but are really struggling with how you’re going to handle this holiday season, it might be a sign that seeing one is a good idea.
We have availability for new clients here at Rouse, so if this resonates with you, set up an intake today. Even if you don’t feel like a good fit or you can’t afford our rates, reach out anyway. We can send you referrals to other professionals and clinics to ensure that you get the support you need.
