Using sex to soothe
There’s no doubt that sex is a powerful thing. It can make us feel happy, fulfilled, and loved. Other times sex can be a way to connect, communicate, or care. Sometimes, people turn to sex as a way to soothe their emotions—especially when they’re feeling stressed, anxious, or grieving.
In past blog posts, I talked about different ways desire shows up. I covered the spectrum of spontaneous to responsive desire, brought by Emily Nagoski, PhD, and the gender, racial, and cultural influences associated with who gets to have access to spontaneous desire.
And in my most recent post, I discussed how stress and anxiety can shut down your sex drive. Being that we’re complicated, beautiful, ever changing sacks of meat, I’d like to give attention to the other side of the spectrum; when our sex drive ramps up in the face of stress and anxiety.
This is a completely normal way of engaging in sex, and it’s also important to be aware of how you’re using it and why. For example, if you find yourself relying on sex to soothe your emotions, it might be time to explore additional ways of dealing with your stress and anxiety.
Note: This post is for informational purposes only and is not therapeutic or medical advice. If you are struggling with concerns related to sex, please speak to a sex therapist or physician for personalized support and care you deserve. All of my posts are used for educational purposes to encourage self-advocacy and to reduce shame by normalizing a very moralized part of our lives, sex.
Sex can be an excellent way to relieve stress and anxiety (1)(2). This is because you are given a break from the cortisol and adrenaline that anxiety or stress brings you by releasing hormones like dopamine and oxytocin.
Furthermore, as far as physical exercise goes, sex offers an excellent release of endorphins and can give you a good enough cardio experience (depending on your style) to work out some stress and improve your health (3). So be sure to stretch those hammies!
Griefbanging (™)
Let’s just pretend that griefbanging is a long-existing Germanic word, something like Kummerhämmern. To the German speakers out there, is that a word?
During episodes of grief, sexual intimacy can offer experiences to bring someone incredibly close, work out sadness and anger, and feel heat or warmth. Some find intensely active sex as giving them enough of a rush to bring their focus into the moment, while others find slow-moving sex as matching the tone of their grief. And of course there’s a wonderful world in between those poles of the spectrum.
For some, sex can be a way to help supplement the void of the relationship that was just lost. Think of it as a part of the process of disconnecting from someone. There’s no hard and fast rule as to the “healthiness”. We can choose to look at it as avoidance or tapering off from the warmth of a relationship.
Is it bad to use sex as distraction?
We can think of it as a distraction from grief, or we can think of it as an efficient break from grief.
What’s the difference?
For this argument, it might be helpful to think of a distraction as a detour from an original plan that you may or may not get back to. It’s the shiny red button that grabs your focus away from everything else and it becomes difficult to readjust back to the original plan.
While a “break” can be seen as a pause to rest, reflect, and give your nervous system a break from the rising cortisol and adrenaline and the lowering of serotonin and dopamine that comes with stress, anxiety and grief. This hormone shift offers moments to mentally digest or process in ways that talking can’t provide.
While writing this I remembered a conversation I had with a woman in her seventies at a wedding. She asked what I did for a living and after I told her I was a sex therapist she paused thoughtfully and said, “after my father died I met a man at his funeral that I later went home with and we made love. Never saw him again but I’m very thankful for the night.” From this perspective she has no regrets and could see and feel the benefits of having that reset/break/different way of processing her grief.
How can I tell if my relationship to sex needs some attention?
One way to approach this question is to ask yourself the following after you’ve grief banged(™)
Am I satisfied?
Would I say yes to this experience again?
Do I feel like there was a release of emotion that felt cathartic?
Am I rushing to the next exciting experience to distract yourself or keep up the high feeling?
It's at this moment where I remind you, dear reader, that none of this is to diagnose you. Instead, this offers different perspectives to think about your relationship to sex.
Where can I seek help from a sex-positive therapist?
Thankfully there’s a growing number of websites dedicated to helping people find the right therapist for them. We often suggest people check out inclusive therapy profile sites like:
Therapy Den (National)
Inclusive Therapists (National)
Bay Area Open Minds (San Francisco Bay Area)
Manhattan Alternative (Manhattan, New York)
AASECT (International)
You’re of course welcome to fill out our consultation form to sign up for a phone consult.
Do you want to learn more about sex anxiety?
Rouse recently released our mini-course called “Demystify Sex Anxiety,” a 90-minute course on understanding how anxiety impacts your sex life, ways to reduce sex anxiety, and direct ways to talk about sex anxiety with a partner. Use coupon code ROUSE15 for 15% off!
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Talk to y’all next week!
Hearts and handbags,
David Khalili, LMFT
Bio: David Khalili, LMFT is a sex therapist and couples therapist in the San Francisco Bay Area, and founder of Rouse Relational Wellness. He works with individuals and relationships via telehealth focusing on sex and anxiety, multiheritage couples, and burnout. David enjoys spending time with his fam, watching trash TV, and exploring his new found “outdoorsy” self.
