DEAR MAN for Desires
We all have them. Our secret sexual desires that we keep hidden away, scared to share in case our partner doesn't find them desirable (or even worse, weird). But what happens when you do finally summon up the courage to tell your partner about that thing you've always wanted to try? It can be daunting - but it doesn't have to be.
We all know keeping our sexual desires hidden is tough - but it's especially hard when you don't know how to talk about them with your partner. Furthermore, sex and intimacy can be anxiety-provoking on its own for many people, let alone opening up about an important fantasy or desire. That’s why having a non-judgmental, culturally-affirming and structured approach to sharing your these feelings with a partner is a useful addition to your work on self-compassion.
This post is taken from a section of my workbook,
Sex Worriers: A Mindfully Queer Guide to Men’s Anxiety Around Sex and Dating.
In my workbook, I cover a variety of exercises to help understand and reduce your anxiety around sex and dating, including writing prompts and resources for further self-discovery.
If you’re a therapist, I will be offering CE’s for reading the workbook starting in March.
Keep in mind with this exercise that this is aspirational. Allow yourself to be in a place of learning as you try this structure. We’ll just go over the strategy and then file with self-reflective prompts to help you consider how to do this in your own voice.
It’s also important to note that this is a strategy for communicating your needs, but not a strategy for getting what you want. This is to be done without any expectation that a partner will engage in these desires. You can of course ask for their consent and hope for the best, but it’s up to them to decide.
DEAR MAN
DEAR MAN is a communication strategy from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy which breaks down how to communicate your feelings, needs, and boundaries to others (Federici, et al., 2012). Look below and use the next page to practice telling a partner about a need related to sex and anxiety.
Describe - Clearly describe the facts of the situation without judgment
“I want to tell you about a desire/fantasy that I have, is that okay?” With their consent, describe the fantasy or desire.
Express - Use “I-Statements” to express your emotions
“I feel vulnerable sharing this with you because this is important to me and I’m worried you’ll judge me.”
Assert - As specific as possible, assert your needs or wants
“I would like you to understand that this is important to me. I’d like to try these out with you, but only if it’s within your comfort zone”
Reinforce - Respond positively to the other person if they are reacting well
Say “thank you” when they hear you out and show they are considering your needs.
Mindful - Stay mindful of your body, emotions, and thoughts.
Check-in with yourself. Do you feel grounded? Are you staying on point? Are you pushing them to go along with your desire without checking in with them? Are you asking them to accept that you have this desire without immediate expectations?
Appear confident - Even if you aren’t feeling it. Maintain eye contact, smile, stand tall.
Negotiate - This section is usually for conflict resolution, but consider this as an option if a partner is unwilling to hear or accept your fantasies. They may be having their own reaction, especially if this is a surprise to them. Your “negotiation” is only to see if they can accept that this is your desire or fantasy first and foremost, they don’t have to do anything about it at this point.
“I can understand that this is (fill in emotional reaction e.g, “surprising) to you. I want to remind you that I’m just asking you to hear that this is important to me.”
DEAR MAN in Practice
Think about a fantasy or desire that you want to tell a partner. Now consider how DEAR MAN can be used to express this to a partner in a structured way.
Describe - How would you describe what you are going to share with them? How would you describe your fantasy or desire?
Express - What is an I-statement to share your feelings?
Assert - How would you clearly express your needs?
Reinforce - What can you do to reinforce your partner when they respond positively?
Mindfulness - What can you say or do to help you stay grounded or if either of you loses focus on the topic at hand?
Appear confident - What can you do to appear confident?
Negotiate - What are you willing to negotiate on within this situation? Remember, this isn’t to get what you want in terms of acting out fantasies. The “need” you are negotiating is the need to be seen and heard. The “doing” is a collaborative decision between you and your partner(s).
Comment below with your thoughts on using this exercise for sexual communication!
Further reading:
I recommend checking out “Tell me what you want” by Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a fantastic overview of his massive sexual survey on common sexual fantasies amongst people in America.
For more guidance on DBT, check out a workbook I recommend to most of my clients working with anxiety “Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Workbook”
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Hearts and handbags,
David Khalili, LMFT
