Understanding Avoidant Attachment: Developing a Secure Attachment
A strong relationship is one of the most satisfying aspects of our lives. It's a bond that we all desire, but unfortunately, some individuals struggle to form a healthy attachment due to past experiences or events. One particular attachment style that leaves many people feeling lonely and unfulfilled is avoidant attachment. This type of attachment can cause individuals to distance themselves from emotional closeness, leaving their partners feeling neglected and misunderstood. In this blog post, we’ll explore the origins of avoidant attachment and how individuals can develop a more secure attachment style.
History of attachment styles
Avoidant attachment originates from early childhood experiences, including neglectful or inconsistent care from primary caregivers. As discussed in Bowlby’s attachment theory, the lack of connection between children and caregivers creates a feeling of anxiety, which leads children to develop strategies to protect themselves from pain. Unfortunately, these strategies continue into adulthood, leading them to avoid emotional closeness and intimacy.
What does avoidant attachment look like?
Individuals with avoidant attachment often display certain behaviors that might result in difficulty with relationships.
They may not be responsive to intimacy and affection
prefer to work and spend time alone
are often emotionally distant or closed off in relationships
and may not be able to resolve conflicts effectively
All these signs can cause their partner to feel unwanted, ignored, and destabilized, leading to frustration and potentially leading to the relationship breakdown.
Avoidant attachment can sometimes interact with an anxious attachment style to create emotional distress and discomfort in a relationship. Individuals with anxious attachments crave consistent emotional closeness and affection. However, they may exhibit jealousy and clinginess, triggering the avoidant person's need for space and avoidance. This creates an unhealthy cycle of pursuit and avoidance, leading to a lot of emotional pain and suffering for both parties.
How do I build a secure attachment style?
Developing a healthy attachment style is never too late, and individuals can learn and grow in their relationship abilities. The first step to obtaining a secure attachment is acknowledging your current attachment style and how it impacts your relationship. By bringing awareness to our characteristic tendencies, we can begin to change our behavior and develop a more positive attachment style. We can also seek support from a trained therapist who can help us build better communication skills and address any underlying issues that are feeding our attachment style.
Developing a secure attachment style is an ongoing process requiring much effort and intentionality. It starts from acknowledging and understanding our tendencies, continuing with therapeutic support in the form of coaching or counseling, and by nurturing healthy relationships through communication, honesty, and vulnerability.
By working with a trained professional, individuals can learn to undo any unhealthy tendencies and build stronger, more loving relationships. If you’re struggling with an avoidant attachment style or any other attachment-related challenges, schedule a free consult call with Rouse Relational Wellness to explore your options for growing into fulfilling relationships.
References:
Bowlby, J. (1958). The nature of the child's tie to his mother. The International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 39, 350–373.
Flaherty SC, Sadler LS. A review of attachment theory in the context of adolescent parenting. J Pediatr Health Care. 2011 Mar-Apr;25(2):114-21. doi: 10.1016/j.pedhc.2010.02.005. Epub 2010 May 1. PMID: 21320683; PMCID: PMC3051370.
Wilson-Ali, N., Barratt-Pugh, C., & Knaus, M. (2019). Multiple perspectives on attachment theory: Investigating educators’ knowledge and understanding. Australasian Journal of Early Childhood, 44(3), 215-229. https://doi.org/10.1177/1836939119855214