Protest behaviors in poly relationships

At Rouse Relational Wellness, we understand that polyamorous relationships come in all shapes and sizes. Whether you're solo poly or have multiple partners, it can be hard to navigate the complex dynamics inherent in these relationships. To help guide this topic, we'll discuss three common protest behaviors that couples, who navigate polyamory, may encounter.

Calling on Attachment Theory

Before diving into the three protest behaviors, let's briefly touch on attachment theory as it is an underlying subject in polyamorous relationships. Attachment theory is a psychological framework that explains how our early experiences with caregivers shape our behavior patterns in close relationships throughout our lives. These patterns can show up in romantic relationships and impact how we communicate, navigate conflict, and form attachments with others.

Understanding the Four Main Attachment Styles

You will have a better understanding of Polyamorous relationships after getting familiar with the four main attachment styles which are: secure, anxious, avoidant & disorganized.

1. Secure Attachment: Individuals with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with intimacy and trusting others. They are confident in their partners' affection and show healthy independence.

2. Anxious Attachment: Anxious individuals crave intimacy and closeness but are often preoccupied with the fear of rejection or abandonment. This style may result in overly dependent behavior.

3. Avoidant Attachment: Those with an avoidant attachment style prize independence above all else and may distance themselves emotionally from their partners. They might seem aloof and are often uncomfortable with too much closeness.

4. Disorganized Attachment: This style is a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors. Disorganized individuals often feel a strong desire for intimacy but simultaneously fear getting too close. They may react unpredictably to intimacy.

Each of these attachment styles can influence how protest behaviors manifest in polyamorous relationships. Understanding your own style can be the first step towards healthier and more satisfying relationships. For more on attachment styles, click here.

In polyamorous relationships, there are often multiple intimate connections at play, making attachment styles and behaviors even more complex. It's important to recognize that these patterns are not fixed and can be worked through with the help of therapy. We have a team of professionals who are specialized in these exact situations.

Three Protest Behaviors in Polyamory

1) Asking your partner to cancel other dates to tend to your needs.

This is a common protest behavior that can occur in polyamorous relationships. It may stem from feelings of insecurity or fear of being left out, leading one partner to ask their partner to prioritize them over other partners. This can create tension and resentment within the relationship, as it may feel like one partner is often sacrificing for the other.

2) Talking poorly or passive-aggressively about a partner's partner.

In polyamory, there may be times when one partner feels jealous or threatened by their partner's other partners or metamour. Instead of openly discussing these feelings, they may resort to talking poorly about their partner's other connections in an attempt to undermine them. This can lead to a toxic dynamic within the relationship and can cause harm to all parties involved.

3) A pattern of making hostile or passive-aggressive remarks towards your partner, especially around dates.

When one partner is feeling insecure or unhappy about their own relationship dynamics, they may resort to making negative or passive-aggressive comments towards their partner. Jealousy or feelings of inadequacy can trigger this behavior compared to other partners. Partners need to communicate and address these underlying issues instead of using hurtful behaviors to protest.

Moving Forward

Active listening is a fundamental communication tool that can be incredibly powerful in navigating these protest behaviors. This approach involves truly focusing on your partner's words, seeking to understand their thoughts and feelings without interruption or immediate judgment. It necessitates setting aside your own reactions or responses and instead, putting your energy into comprehending your partner's perspective. By repeating what you understood and asking clarifying questions, you validate your partner's experience and show them that their feelings matter to you. Remember, it's not about agreeing with your partner or solving their problems but about fostering a deeper understanding and connection. This transparency and empathy can help to de-escalate conflict, reduce feelings of insecurity, and build trust within your relationship.

Reflective Questions

To help navigate the complexities that can arise in polyamorous relationships, here are some reflective questions that you can ask yourself regarding attachment styles and protest behaviors:

1. What is your dominant attachment style and how is it influencing your actions and reactions in your relationships? Understanding your own style can provide insight into why certain situations or behaviors trigger feelings of insecurity or discomfort.

2. Do you recognize any protest behaviors discussed above in your own actions? Self-awareness is the first step towards change. Recognize and accept if you showcase any protest behaviors.

3. How are you communicating your needs and feelings to your partner(s)? Open, honest communication is crucial in all relationships, but it can be especially important in polyamorous ones. Reflect on whether you're effectively expressing yourself or resorting to negative behavior patterns.

4. What steps can you take to better manage feelings of insecurity or jealousy? Rather than resorting to protest behaviors, consider healthier coping strategies such as self-care, seeking support from friends, or working with a mental health professional.

If you recognize any of these protest behaviors in your polyamorous relationship, know that there is help available. At Rouse Relational Wellness, we have experience working with polyamorous couples and understanding your unique challenges.

For men who want to take a deep dive on their attachment style, check out our upcoming in person men’s retreat:

References:

• Flaherty SC, Sadler LS. A review of attachment theory in the context of adolescent parenting. J Pediatr Health Care. 2011 Mar-Apr;25(2):114-21. doi: 10.1016/j.pedhc.2010.02.005. Epub 2010 May 1. PMID: 21320683; PMCID: PMC3051370.

• Moors AC, Gesselman AN, Garcia JR. Desire, Familiarity, and Engagement in Polyamory: Results From a National Sample of Single Adults in the United States. Front Psychol. 2021 Mar 23;12:619640. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2021.619640. PMID: 33833712; PMCID: PMC8023325.