Being present during a sexual encounter with your partner or partners may seem like an obvious expectation. However, this can be harder than expected when the moment actually arrives. Maybe you had a long day at work, there are a lot of household chores to be done, you’re feeling stressed or anxious, or maybe you and your partner aren’t feeling connected at the moment. Consider these three things if you want to become more present during sex:

1. Distracted Life, Distracted Sex 

If you are a person who struggles to remain present during everyday life, it’s possible you struggle to remain present during sex which can make sex less enjoyable to you. The feelings and sensations that you may have enjoyed once are less noticeable when you are distracted. Something you can do in your daily life to practice being in the moment is try mindful meditation to immerse yourself in a task you perform regularly. For example, when you are eating a meal take your time observing the different flavors and textures you feel and note the different sensations. Eventually, when you feel comfortable, you can use this practice during sex.

2. Patience is Essential

Depending on how you value sex in your relationship, not being present during sex can range from being a minor concern to a dealbreaker. If you notice your partner is not as in the moment as you are, it’s crucial you be patient with them. Any feelings of frustration and annoyance are valid, it’s also important to try and hold space for your partner who is also probably feeling the same way you are. It may not be the best time to bring up this issue during sex so take a pause or wait until after to talk about further.

3. Wandering is Normal

During sex, if you find your mind wandering, it’s important to remember that it is okay and a normal thing people experience. The key to not getting stuck on a distracting thought is to acknowledge its existence and recenter your thoughts to the what is currently happening. In the moment take a deep breath in, hold it for a few seconds, then release.

 Recap

Whatever the reason may be, being distracted during sex is a common experience that can be worked on with time and patience. 

Remember the following:

• Practice mindful meditation in your daily life. Performing it a little every day can create comfort and familiarity so it may not be daunting to try when having sex

• Try to be patient with your distracted partner. You both may be feeling the same frustration and having patience can offer security to your partner.  

• Having your mind wander is normal, just try to not let it overtake your mind. Accept any distracting thoughts and try to find your way back. 

There is no perfect solution that will make it so your mind will never wander during sex. With time and practice, hopefully it will become easier to acknowledge and accept whatever thoughts you are having and recenter yourself so you can go back to enjoying sex with your partner.