What are you defending against?
We’ve all been there. You’re in a relationship, and something your partner does or says makes you feel defensive. Maybe they criticize your work or say something that hurts your feelings. It can be tough not to react defensively in those moments. But trust us, learning how to stop being defensive is worth it. In previous posts, we covered The Four Horsemen and longer articles on parts of the horsemen like Stonewalling. In this post, we’ll look at defensiveness, how it shows up, what you can do to start working against it, and most importantly, how to understand your defensiveness to heal your inner wounds better.
What does defensiveness look like?
Unintended Defensiveness: This style of defensiveness is reactive, meaning that it’s an unconscious habit. An example of Unintended Defensiveness can be when a partner makes a mistake, causes harm, but won’t take responsibility because they “didn’t mean to.” This reaction can be connected to feelings of insecurity or related to trauma, i.e., humiliation or criticism by a caregiver or former partner. Defensiveness can also be connected to an inability to be compassionate to yourself while also taking responsibility for your mistakes.
Defensiveness can also show up as a reaction to being ignored or criticized. All this to say, when a strong reaction comes up, it’s a good idea to consider the whole picture rather than one action or player.
Intended Defensiveness: This is done as a conscious attempt to manipulate the other person, avoid blame, or make the other person the offender. Intended Defensiveness can be used as a way to control the other person, continue damaging behavior without accountability, or continue to maintain power or privilege over the other person by denying harm. This needs to be called out just like Unintended Defensiveness, but you really benefit from having a third party involved to help track the thread of the conflict.
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How is it damaging your relationship?
To put it bluntly, it shuts down and stalls out communication. When defensiveness shows up, the flow of communication and connection gets disrupted. How does that happen? Defensiveness prevents actual listening from happening because the defensive partner is busy formulating their response instead of hearing out their partner. This then leads to a further misunderstanding and confusion of “the point.” We usually start to see couples get confused and lose focus at this part of their argument.
Outside of the wild three-ring circus that these arguments can turn into, defensiveness robs the other person of healing and robs the relationship of repair due to the lack of accountability.
When an apology is needed, defensiveness drop kicks accountability out of the window.
By holding yourself accountable you are allowing the other person to have the harm they experience(d) feel seen and acknowledged. By denying this you may compound the harm done. Sandor Firenczi, a Hungarian Psychoanalyst who focused on trauma, showed the compounding effects on trauma when the survivor's experience was denied (1930-1932).
How damaging is defensiveness to myself?
By avoiding responsibility and accountability, it may seem like you are protecting yourself from further criticism or negative judgments of yourself. While that may (heavy emphasis on “may) work in the short term, it ultimately robs YOU of actual growth. However, by taking responsibility for your actions you give yourself the opportunity to make the choice to grow and refine yourself.
If you were being honest with yourself, what would you gain or change from being less defensive?
How common is defensiveness in relationships?
How common is Tuesday? Common enough.
Defensiveness will show up in any relationship. It’s our job as growing adults to begin to work against this becoming or staying a pattern.
While defensiveness on a repeated basis is damaging to relationships and your own personal growth, it’s important to not just banish it and try to push it away. It is important to tune into what is causing that defensiveness since it can be information on some deeper core issues that you may benefit from listening to.
Possible causes of defensiveness:
Ambivalence or reluctance to change a behavior (like drinking, smoking, etc)
Feeling overwhelmed and using defensiveness to get space
Trauma related to being attacked, abused, or humiliated
We encourage you to find your way to challenge your own defensiveness. Whether it’s therapy, groups, or a variety of other practices and programs, you and your relationship deserve positive growth and healing.
Rouse Relational Wellness is a sex and relationship wellness center featuring sex-positive, trauma-informed therapy for individuals and relationships. We also offer couples intensives, professional consultations, and workshops. All of our services are available online and our office is located in the Castro district of San Francisco, California. If you would like to learn more about our services, please visit us here.