Your partner can't fix you
We’ve all been there, feeling crappy and desperate for some TLC. So we reach out to our partner and plead with them to come over and fix us. We may not even realize we’re doing it, but often this is how we rely on our partners to make us feel better. However, the thing is that your partner can’t really fix you; only you can do that. In this post, we’ll explore why it’s so important to learn to soothe yourself first, and towards the end, we’ll go over how you can do that.
It’s a popular belief that everything would be okay if your partner could just fix your problems. You’d have the perfect relationship and you wouldn’t need to worry about anything else. Unfortunately, this isn’t true. You have to learn to soothe yourself first before you can rely on anyone else to do it for you. When you’re able to take care of yourself, you’ll be better positioned to have a healthy and happy relationship.
By learning how to soothe yourself, you learn to identify what you’re feeling and what you need. You can then communicate that to a partner or loved one if you want to be supported. By being able to tend to your needs initially, you can offer your partner a path to continue to help you.
I don’t doubt that you’ve probably tried many ways to approach the heightened emotions in your relationship. You’ve likely tried:
Anger management classes
Self-help books
Couples communication classes
Taking time apart
These are all valuable strategies to care for yourself and your relationship.
Additionally, it’s essential to understand that self-care, self-accountability, and managing your own emotions are integral parts of your relationship.
Integral.
Not optional.
What does self-soothing in a relationship look like?
Let’s start by going over what it doesn’t look like. It’s not:
Every partner for themself
Keeping tabs on who does what
Competing on who is the best at coping
Ignoring your partner until they’re “not emotional”
Self-soothing in a relationship is not just coping skills.
It can look like:
Continued self-work
Willingness to change
Increasing self-compassion
Continued curiosity about yourself
Growing awareness of your triggers
Learning coping skills that work for you
Working on slowing down your reactions
Working to understand your needs and how to get them met
Finding social and emotional support outside your relationship
Self-soothing can lead to co-soothing
Consider this; you’re in a tense discussion with your partner, and you can feel things escalating despite your best efforts. You’re talking faster, a little more pointed, your chest is warmer, and you think to yourself “if they would just shut up and let you finish, they’d understand your point.” So you talk louder, faster, trying to blanket their words with your voice until you bark, “WILL YOU SHUT.THE.FUCK.UP? What the fuck is wrong with you??”
You both are silent.
The air is sucked out of the room.
Your hot anger is now starting to feel like a sick twist of shame in your gut, and you start to remember all the times you promised yourself you’d do better.
Now you’re feeling horrible that you lashed out. You’re worried that your actions just pushed your partner away even more.
You frantically ask for a hug, out of wanting to feel better and reassure yourself that the relationship is okay. Maybe even demand a hug. To say this feels like mixed messages to your partner is an understatement. They’re raw from the verbal assault you whipped out, and now you’re pushing them to care for you.
The more shitty you feel, the more you pull for them to care for you. But, unfortunately, and understandably, the more you pull them, the more they push you away.
Sound familiar? This may seem like a rough copy of your experience in these heightened states of relational fight or flight. Maybe on either or both sides.
“Relational fight or flight” is when you and/or your partner(s) feel that your attachment is threatened. As a reaction to this threat, your nervous system takes over and fights for their attention or flees and pulls away.
Alternatively
Your goal can be to work on soothing yourself enough to stay grounded so you can talk it out with your partner and not lash out at them. Ideally, you can then note your need for physical contact as a way to co-soothe and make a request. Be ready to hear and accept no. Of course, it would be great if they say yes.
I get it, it may seem like too much of a jump. We’re talking about goals here. Please keep that in mind.
Try not to expect yourself to make a 180 in your behavior. Emotional maturity and emotional regulation can and should be continued work throughout our lives.
How do you work on self-soothing and increasing self-awareness?
Ways to work on this include
individual, couples, or group therapy
skill-building classes using Dialectical Behavioral Therapy
continued mindfulness practice (one that works for you)
anger management classes
retreats or workshops
Self-care, self-soothing, and self-awareness don’t have to look one particular way. Instead, find the skills and techniques that work best for you.
Quick mindfulness tricks
We’ve found that it’s important to diversify how you take care of yourself.
If you’d like to receive a short guide including quick mindfulness tricks to start your self-soothing process, click here.
Caring for yourself is the first step in learning how to care for another person. When you soothe your own emotions, you take the pressure off of your partner and create an environment where genuine communication can flourish. If you’re interested in learning more about healthy communication within relationships, sign up for our email list. We’ll send you updates on new blog posts that explore this topic in greater detail.
Rouse Relational Wellness is a sex and relationship wellness center featuring sex-positive, trauma-informed therapy for individuals and relationships. We also offer couples intensives, professional consultations, and workshops. All of our services are available online and our office is located in the Castro district of San Francisco, California. If you would like to learn more about our services, please visit us here.