Initiator-Inquirer: Difficult conversations without fighting
Communication with your significant other. Why does it sometimes seem so difficult? Its just talking but there can be many underlying questions. When is the best time to do it? The beginning of the day before life hits you in the face or at the end when things have calmed down. Do you take turns talking or go unscripted? Can you interrupt to make a valid point or do you just nod and agree till they’re done? Prior to the actual conversation, you take the time to prepare. You ground yourself and even have techniques in place. You feel content. There is a sense of calmness in your breathing. But fast forward just 20 minutes and the both of you are reacting with big emotions.
Losing our shit. Hey, we've all been there.
Figuring out the right communication technique can truly make a night and day difference in your relationship. Here at Rouse we use an intervention strategy called Initiator-Inquirer.
What is Initiator-Inquirer?
Initiator-Inquirer is a communication exercise developed by Ellyn Bader and Pete Pearson from The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, California. Bader and Pearson are both highly experienced therapists who created this structured communication method throughout their two decades of training couples.
It helps you stay present, be in the moment and focus on what is truly important and in front of you.
At first glance, it may seem straightforward but following it through beginning to end will certainly be a challenge of its own.
Why should I use it?
As briefly mentioned above, the goal is to find a rhythm and balance with your partner. To be in sync if you may.
It's about finding a deeper understanding of the two of you together as human beings. By slowing down, asking thoughtful questions, and giving non-judgmental space, you can rejuvenate and strengthen the bond. Taking the time to learn about your partner's emotional needs is one of the key ingredients in a healthy and long term relationship.
How to use Initiator-Inquirer
There are two roles. The Initiator is the partner who starts the conversation by introducing a topic and sharing their personal experience. The inquirer’s only role is to listen and repeat what they heard. Each partner takes turns. The real trick is to actually wait.
Initiator Role
Speak from your own experience
Stay focused on one issue/concern
State the facts. Don’t include your judgment of anyone, including yourself
Open to hearing and learning about yourself
Inquirer Role
Listen actively
Repeat an overview of the issue in their partner’s words
Ask questions to clarify, not convince
Respond with empathy
Continue with empathy
Slowing down, talking about personal experiences and repeating what your partner said may all sound like simple tasks, but I can guarantee you that actually executing these is where the challenge lies. This is something new so just like anything else, there will be a learning curve. Emotions might be high but remember to be patient with the process and to be proud of the effort you put in.
When to practice Initiator-Inquirer
Since Initiator-Inquirer is a new and challenging process, I discourage trying it when your stimulus is high. No need for the added pressure. Instead, I recommend starting out on topics that are tame & docile. For example:
Describe your favorite recipe
Share why you like your hobby
Talk about a song you like
Trying it out on safe topics such as these will preserve your energy and help you focus on the important part; the actual process.
After getting some reps in, you can test it in more difficult waters. But remember to introduce the practice in the beginning of conversations as opposed to halfway through, where anger may have already surfaced.
If youd like to get some compassionate guidance with this vulnerable form of communication then practicing it at therapy is certainly an option. There you will receive coaching on this self soothing technique, psychoeducation on your nervous system and support in making connections to old childhood wounds (Hi Auntie!).
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Rouse Relational Wellness is a sex and relationship wellness center featuring sex-positive, trauma-informed therapy for individuals and relationships. Other services we offer are couples intensives, professional consultations, and workshops. All of our services are available online or at our office, which is located in the Castro district of San Francisco, California. If you would like to learn more about our services, please visit us here.