Why Some Wait So Long to Start Couples Therapy
Relationship issues can be challenging, and it's not uncommon for couples to wait years before seeking professional help. According to Gottman, couples often wait up to six years before addressing any serious issues in their relationship. This decision could be based on various reasons, from trying to fix it independently with self-help books, therapy podcasts, and workshops to not wanting to admit that there's a problem because it could raise more significant questions. We believe that couples should normalize these feelings but seek professional support when their issues repeat and remain unresolved.
What happens when couples try to fix problems on their own?
Many couples avoid therapy because they believe they can fix their relationship issues on their own. They read self-help books, listen to podcasts, and attend workshops, thinking they can solve their problems without professional help. However, while there's nothing wrong with reading or listening to advice from relationship experts, these resources only provide general tips and can't substitute professional and specialized support. Ultimately, each relationship is unique, requiring an individualized approach considering all dynamic aspects. It can be useful to add the education from books and podcasts with a personalized approach such as couples therapy.
What’s shame got to do with it?
By not allowing space to have both "good" and "bad" parts of relationships and only wanting to have positive aspects of the relationship, you end up ignoring the issues that deserve attention. Why would some folks only want to look at the positive? Shame and guilt are common factors. These social emotions act as surveillance to keep you in line with social expectations. While these expectations can be helpful in many ways, they can also restrict us from deeply looking into our unmet needs or problem areas of our relationship because we don't want to admit there's a problem. Also seen as "toxic positivity," by making it unacceptable to recognize difficulties in a relationship, many couples can assume they need to navigate their issues in secrecy and isolation.
Why do some couples not want to admit there’s a problem?
Related to avoiding shame, another reason couples avoid therapy is that they don't want to admit that there's a problem in the first place. They may fear that addressing the situation opens up a can of worms and could lead to more significant issues. Or, they may be afraid to face the fact that their relationship is not perfect and doesn't meet society's expectations. Nonetheless, avoiding the problem does not solve it. On the contrary, it exacerbates it over time, making it harder to resolve.
Look into structured approaches to talk with your partner about issues such as a lack of intimacy, unmet needs, or simply just hearing each other out. These guides can help you approach these difficult talks while managing expectations and anxiety.
Sometimes one partner is blamed
Couples also tend to avoid therapy when they perceive that one partner is solely to blame for the issues in their relationship. They may feel that seeking professional help only validates the other party's view that they're the problem. However, this assumption often needs to be corrected. Usually, relationship problems result from a combination of factors and dynamics between both partners, their background, and their environment. A therapist can help address these underlying causes and teach both partners how to work towards improving their relationship.
Other times they fear therapy
Lastly, some couples avoid therapy because they're afraid of therapists in general. They may have had bad experiences with mental health professionals or misguided beliefs about therapy. However, these fears are often unfounded. Today's therapists have various approaches and tools that help couples improve their relationships in a positive and supportive environment.
Couples should normalize their reasons for avoiding therapy but also recognize the importance of seeking professional support when their unresolved issues start to repeat.
Are you ready?
Our providers at Rouse Relational Wellness are here to help couples heal and grow through evidence-based and feedback-informed couples therapy.
We encourage anyone looking to work on their relationship to reach out for a free consultation so that you can understand how our team can help in this journey. Remember, your relationship is unique and deserves individual attention.
Please don't wait too long. Take charge, and allow us to provide support in this challenging but worthwhile journey.
References:
Davis, B. T. Toxic Positivity: Definition, Research & Examples. Chicago. https://www.berkeleywellbeing.com/toxic-positivity.html
Ammirati, T. Gottman Method, https://www.gottman.com/blog/when-is-it-a-good-time-to-seek-counseling