“Take a Walk on the Wild Side” An Important Discussion with Tijanna O. Eaton about Black Women and Kink
For some, people exploring kink can be an exciting and liberating experience. For others, it can be stress inducing or uncomfortable experience especially for black women. Tijanna O. Eaton, a self-described “MoC Dyke,” is an expert in the world of kink and is passionate about encouraging black women to find joyous experiences, especially in regards to exploring kink.
In February, the providers at Rouse Relational Wellness had the privilege of attending a workshop taught by Tijanna. During the workshop, she shared her expertise along with vital components to ensure black women feel comfortable, safe, and pleasure when exploring kink. An important concept she emphasized during her workshop with the providers to help black women feel comfortable and safe was The Three Pillars of Eros, explained further.
The Three Pillars of Eros
When it comes to human sexuality, kink in particular, Tijanna expresses there are three essential pillars: Negotiation, Consent, and Aftercare. These three pillars are important for black women as well as spaces and people who want to create comfortable and safe experiences for black women to explore and enjoy kink.
Negotiation
The first pillar, negotiation, emphasizes how hair, skin, and the psyche play an important role in black women enjoying and delving into kink.
Hair is one aspect Tijanna underlines within negotiation where she urges to have specific conversations about it and to normalize NOT asking black woman if you can touch their hair.
Skin is another important aspect Tijanna highlights as she describes how the pain black women experience is often not taken seriously. While there may be some people with thicker skin it does not mean they should be hit harder than any other person, and how black people keloid more consistently and that must be taken seriously.
The last aspect Tijanna discusses in regards to negotiation is the psyche. Tijanna explains how 30% of her headspace is dedicated to thinking about safety and I can only imagine other black women feel the same. This may make any attention black women receive, regardless if it’s good or bad, feel uncomfortable. Communicating about what feels comfortable and what doesn’t as well as being mindful of how white supremacy can and undoubtedly will influence how black women interact with kink.
Consent
Consent is said to be the most important pillar out of the three. Having permission to do something is key to experiencing pleasure, especially when it comes to kink and it must be present and ongoing. Tijanna offers some mottos that can be helpful for various activities. The first is Safe, Sane, and Consensual or S.S.C. that could be good to guide activities where the skin may break or leaves a heavy mark. The next motto is Risk-Aware Consensual Kink or R.A.C.K. which could include activities like breath play, blood play, or race play. The last motto Tijanna suggests is Freely-given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific or F.R.I.E.S. which can be good for activities such as touching, kissing, heavy petting, sex talks, and any other kind of physical sex.
Aftercare
When a scene is finished, aftercare is vital to maintain physical and emotional closeness and trust between all parties who engaged in the scene. Aftercare can take place right after a scene or the next day and can involve anything from check ins from a partner to providing a relaxing space to rest. Having aftercare is especially important to black women due to the treatment they receive living in a white supremacist nation. As Tijanna puts it, white supremacy burdens black women with having to overmanage their nervous systems so even if a black woman is feeling great after a scene, if she were to express herself too loudly or overenthusiastically, she may be seen as too much. Not allowing black women to easily receive care or express themselves hinders the possibility of experiencing the pleasure and joy that may come from engaging in kink.
Recap
There is an undeniable truth that black women continuously endure various forms of violence while simultaneously being fetishized by anyone and everyone. Tijanna’s advocation for black women to be able to experience as much fun and joy as possible is something providers and kinky spaces must also strive toward. Being mindful of how to appropriately negotiate, approach consent, and implement aftercare with black women experiencing kink is a small yet vital step forward to providing another avenue for black women to feel joy.
About the Author:
Rosalie Del Toro, MA is our intimacy and relationship coach at Rouse Relational Wellness. She is devoted to helping women in their 20s to 40s, including those who identify as queer, navigate the journey to fulfilling and pleasurable sexual experiences. With a Master's degree in Sexuality Studies from San Francisco State University, she has delved deep into the importance of sexual pleasure and the innovative ways sex educators teach this crucial element of intimacy.
Rosalie will lead the Finding Calm in Chaos: Political Anxiety and Anger group, starting in April.
