“I love you, don’t touch me”
On protest behaviors and attachment styles
Many of us don't give thought to our attachment style until things go wrong. And when they do, feelings of disconnection arise. Its common to hyper focus on the relationship and see attention from our partner in unconventional ways; unfortunately, these attempts tend to push them even further away.
The good news? There is hope. By understanding how our attachment style, we can make positive changes and build stronger connections with our loved ones. Don't let past cycles define your future – take control and create a more fulfilling relationship.
In the last month, we covered attachment theory in a few articles. We discussed how understanding our personal attachment style, and the styles of those around us, could help us see problems before they arise; preventing them all together. We also touched on the subject of how these styles look different between certain relationships and change over time.
In this article, well take a look at Protest Behaviors, which are attention seeking tactics or methods within one side of the relationship. Understanding these methods can guide you towards the root cause of the issue and help you exercise reaction & self-control. Once recognized, boundaries can be set up with the partner that is feeling disconnected, otherwise known as fearfully avoidant.
What make’s someone “fearful avoidant”?
While the term “fearful avoidant” isn’t typically discussed in counseling psychology, it can be commonly found in online forums. The term is used to describe the type of partner who is usually stressing about the connection of their relationship and/or continuously worrying that they might be dropped or abandoned. Someone with this attachment style will show similar signs to an ambivalently attached partner.
Those with an ambivalent attachment style were typically raised in environments where the caregivers lacked the effort to meet their emotional needs. Sure some of the child’s physical needs were occasionally met, but any help to manage their emotions was basically absent. As a result, the child grew up with tendencies such as having issues trusting others, being wary of outside love, skepticism towards prosocial behavior and finding immense difficulty in identifying their own personal needs.
Unsurprisingly, this can put the ambivalently attached person in a sense of loss of hopelessness and that feeling can lead them to frantically seeking attention from their partner or loved one. The nature of the action will differ from person to person, but those attempts can be categorized as protest behaviors. While this explanation doesn’t justify anyone’s actions, it can however begin the process towards the work to shift these reactions into more direct requests as opposed to passive aggressive demands.
What are examples of protest behaviors?
When looking at attachment styles in adults, it is imperative to look at how people show feelings of connection and how they process receiving attention. Feel free to associate these similarities to love languages. Now, let’s take a look at a shortlist of some of the most common protest behaviors:
Wanting/Demanding reassurance
This happens when the partner feels disconnected and tries to soothe their attachment anxiety by seeking or demanding comfort from their partner. This can unfortunately be done in a forceful way because of the anxious state the partner may be experiencing.
What to do instead:
Ask your partner if they have the bandwidth/spoons/mana/energy to offer reassurance because you feel disconnected. If they say no, respect their boundaries.
Remind yourself of positive experiences within the relationship; this can help you feel reassured
Talk to a friend, family member, or therapist
“Joy to be hidden, a disaster not to be found” - DW Winnicott
This partner may feel so vulnerable and rejected that they experience a great deal of shame, which can result in hiding from their partner. This behavior can look like being emotionally withdrawn at home or staying late at work. The Gottman’s call this “stonewalling.” This person will seek distance to protect themselves from facing shame.
What to do instead:
Face that shame: I know, it’s a scary intervention, I get it. However, this is a natural way to get through the shame. Head-on (apply directly to the forehead). This can done in individual therapy, couples therapy, somatics work, etc. The process to undo this cycle can be done in many ways. As mentioned above, facing the shame can certainly lessen the pain over time.
Dropping Bombs
When a partner experiences ambivalent attachment and is in a heightened state of anxiety, they make cause provocations just to elicit any type of reaction. Add in feelings of desperation to the mix and thats where negativity and spite will surely present itself.
What to do instead:
Remove yourself from the situation: It’s probably for the best. Get enough room to breathe and allow yourself to reset. It usually takes your nervous system about 20-30 minutes to regulate after going into fight-or-flight mode.
Write it out. Journal or record a voice memo of all the thoughts and feelings you want to share with your partner. Take a break. Then read or listen to it and decide what parts you want to share with your partner. It’s a common intervention, but one that deserves attention.
All the suggestions listed under “what to do instead” are just scratching the surface. While you’re reading the list above, ask yourself Does anything resonate? Have I engaged in any of these? Have I been on the receiving end of someone who has? Protest behaviors certainly get the attention of your partner but that does not mean its is positive in any way. Being aware of all this is the first step towards change. The next step is finding out the root cause.
Its easy to feel lost on this uncertain and daunting road of self-discovery. But remember that these behaviors are incredibly common. Often resulting from panic or fear of abandonment, they largely happen unconsciously which is why there is a process to undo these patterns. Yes, work must be done but its important to note that the more effort you put in then the more harm, unintentional or not, begins to diminish.
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Article researched, written and edited by David Khalili.