Disclaimer: This is for educational purposes only. This article is not a replacement for therapy, direct advice, nor is it offered to reflect your current circumstances. Instead, we encourage you to use good old-fashioned critical thinking skills when considering the following article for your own life.

Sometimes when I’m meeting someone, I make the mistake of telling them that I’m a sex and relationship therapist. It’s usually not a problem, but depending on my mood, there are times when I don’t want to talk about therapy to someone on my day off. My slip sometimes lands very well, but other times the person either dives into their issues or backs away slowly like I’m a mind reader (*wiggles fingers*).

Recently at a made-up party, I told a guy I was a sex and relationship therapist, and he launched into all the problems he has with his boyfriend. In the first ten minutes, I learned how he was frustrated and disappointed with his boyfriend. I heard about all the no-longer-cute idiosyncrasies of his boyfriend that are now causing distance.

A Geocities-style banner reading RESENTMENTS scrolled through my mind.

RESENTMENTS

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RESENTMENTS 〰️

This guy I just met had listed all the resentments he is holding against his boyfriend. I asked how much of these resentments have been made aware to his partner. “Oh, one or two” he admitted with a slight chuckle.

It’s not surprising. Plenty of people have a hard time telling their partners about their issues. It’s one reason why people come to couples therapy. However, working through these resentments is critical to maintaining your relational health. So let’s look at this some more.

What are these…resentments you speak of?

I hold no resentment against this definition I came across:

“a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury.”

To break the definition down further, resentments can be seen as a visceral feeling of being wronged by someone or something with real or perceived power over you.

Important side note: Resentment is different from contempt based on who you have these feelings towards. For example, if you feel like the person wronged you due to an abuse of their power or status, that’s resentment. If you look down on the person as being lesser than you, that’s contempt.

I have to say both contempt and resentment are pretty bad for relational health. The Gottman’s agree.

How do resentments show up?

For this argument, we can say I had a lowkey resentment against this guy at the party that started to talk shop without my consent. I felt like he wronged me for not already being aware of my boundary and for assuming I’ve got the capacity to process his emotional issues. While he could have checked in with me before launching into his woes, I gave him the power to cross the boundary without making it clear to him. I could have chuckled and gently said something like, “I’m off the clock,” excused myself entirely or just rolled with it. However, instead, I stewed in the bitterness and made assumptions about why he was doing this.

Luckily I had barely met the guy, so I could brush it off and work on that boundary when I wanted. However, this would be a different story if I continued a friendship with him without making my limit clear and then quietly grew more upset.

Why do resentments continue?

As you might be picking up, these resentments are bred and maintained by a lack of communication. They begin with an expectation, likely not clearly communicated, that you have of another person, and they are not meeting this expectation. As a result, you feel wronged by them for not meeting these expectations. You may even tell yourself that “they should have known better” or throw around terms like “common sense” or “common decency.”

Furthermore, the more you stew in it, the more you may start to assume their motivations for not following these (unknown or un-reinforced) boundaries. You might start feeling like, “if they loved me, they would…” This type of internal churning can lead to building a narrative about your relationship that is half unchecked.

In reality, there could be a wide variety of reasons why they’re not meeting these expectations. It’s important to give them the chance to share their side.

So through these uncommunicated expectations, combined with unchecked assumptions, you are slowly creating more and more distance between you and your partner.

How do I stop resentment in a relationship?

Admit it: Admit to yourself, your partner, friend, therapist, whomever, all of the above. Admit that you are angry and that you feel wronged. The anger is likely coming out sideways in passive-aggressive ways that will only reinforce the distance. By admitting to yourself that your feelings are real, you can begin to work on processing them.

Get clarity: This type of intense feeling likely holds information about your triggers, your boundaries, and your values. Treat this like important information to help you understand yourself. Whether it’s through journaling or talking with a therapist, try to get as specific an understanding as possible as to the who’s, what’s, why’s and how’s about this resentment.

Who: Sure, your partner may be annoying you, but are they really that unique, or has this shown up in other relationships?
What: What specifically bothers you about this particular issue? Get an accurate, clear picture.
Why: Why does this bother you so much? Pretend that you’re explaining this to a five-year-old. Meaning, be super simple and clear. This is where we look at some core memories and emotions that may tie to this resentment. A reason this particular issue bothers you so much is likely that it’s also connected to an old wound. Common wounds or trigger points include feeling forgotten, like you’re not enough, or feeling disrespected.
How: Describe the actions or behaviors that are part of this issue. These should be observable things, not interpretations. Such as, you notice a pattern of your partner pushing off difficult conversations but not following up on the discussions later. Or, more concretely, they borrow money but rarely pay you back. Be clear on the actions.

You will likely begin to slip off resentments or understand some situations differently through this process.

Communicate: Unsurprisingly, this is a big part. Set aside time with your partner and do your best to tell them about the resentments you’re holding onto. I recommend approaching this conversation with ease and curiosity as best as possible.

Try prompts like:

I want to check in with you about an issue that’s been bothering me, and I’m not sure if you see it…
Can we talk for a moment about something that’s bothering me? I’m not looking to accuse, I’m just trying to let you know how I feel when this happens…

By being curious, you leave room for your partner’s experience, for misunderstanding or miscommunication, and space for collaboration between you both to work on resolving the conflict.

Side notes:

If your partner flat out denies any aspect of what you’re saying, then there are other issues going on, and we highly recommend going into couples therapy. The couple’s therapist can help you communicate your experiences clearly, or point out when unhealthy or abusive patterns emerge.
If your partner shares that they’re not ready to talk, request that they agree to a time that you two can follow up.

Therapize: When in doubt, go to therapy, where you can receive guidance and support on how to communicate and connect. Allowing a neutral third party to look into the dynamics of your relationship can help you gain clarity on understanding and connecting genuinely and sincerely.

When it comes to relationships, anger is often a sign that something else is going on. Rather than getting defensive and letting anger take over, try to be curious about what might be motivating the emotion. This can help you get clarity on any resentments you may have and start communicating them clearly to your partner. By doing this, you can create distance between yourself and the problem instead of between yourselves as individuals. If you want more tips on how to navigate tricky relationship waters, subscribe to our blog for weekly articles straight from us!

Rouse Relational Wellness is a sex and relationship wellness center featuring sex-positive, trauma-informed therapy for individuals and relationships. We also offer couples intensives, professional consultations, and workshops. All of our services are available online and our office is located in the Castro district of San Francisco, California. If you would like to learn more about our services, please visit us here.

Are resentments ruining your relationship?

RESENTMENTS

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