Ghosting vs Stonewalling: What’s the Difference?
Have you experienced the pain of being ignored or shut down by someone you care about? Whether it’s a random date that never calls back or a closer romantic partner who suddenly goes silent, that feeling can begin to wear down our self-esteem and sense of security in relationships. Though difficult, becoming aware of the difference between ghosting & stonewalling can restore or salvage the relationship.
Both behaviors create distance and emotional turmoil in relationships. A withdrawal in communication is also a common factor. The goal of this article will be to recognize & separate the two so you can ultimately lead a healthier and happier love life.
What’s Stonewalling?
Stonewalling, on the other hand, is a behavior that occurs in established relationships where communication has broken down. It involves shutting out your partner by physically being present but emotionally withdrawing and avoiding eye contact, conversation, or connection. Stonewalling is one of the Gottman's four horsemen, which are indicators of relationship instability and potential failure. Unlike ghosting, stonewalling is usually temporary and can be resolved through communication and trust-building exercises.
What’s Ghosting?
Both ghosting and stonewalling can be harmful to a person's self-esteem and attachment style. When someone is ghosted, it can trigger feelings of abandonment, low self-worth, and anxiety in future relationships. Stonewalling can lead to resentment and mistrust between partners, creating a cycle of emotional detachment and disconnection.
What Causes Ghosting and Stonewalling?
Sometimes, both ghosting and stonewalling happen because the person is overwhelmed and unsure how to express themselves. They may be dealing with personal issues that make communication feel too difficult, or they may be lacking communication skills and feel intimidated or embarrassed to express their emotions. However, in some cases, ghosting and stonewalling are done for manipulative and selfish reasons, such as trying to control the other person or avoid dealing with conflict. Other times, these tactics are used because the other person isn’t respecting boundaries, so the ghoster or stonewaller feels like they’re left with no option but to cut contact.
Starting a conversation again…
If you've stonewalled your partner after a fight and are now feeling anxious about starting a conversation with them, take a deep breath and remember that it's important to slowly start the process to de-calcify any distance between you two. Start by writing out your thoughts in order to better organize your feelings. Then, request time to talk to your partner, letting them know you're ready to have an open and honest conversation. While speaking, use I-language to express your own experiences and feelings rather than focusing on your partner's behavior. Finally, suggest something to your partner that will help you open up more, such as going on a date or walking together. Remember, it's always okay to seek out individual or couples therapy for extra support, and discovering more about your attachment style can be empowering in taking steps towards a healthier, more connected relationship.
Ghosting and stonewalling are two harmful behaviors that can damage or end relationships. Learning to recognize them and communicate about them is key to building healthy, happy relationships. Sharing your feelings and needs can help prevent misunderstandings and feelings of rejection. If you are the one who is stonewalling or ghosting, taking small steps to begin communication slowly can help reestablish trust and connection in the relationship. Most importantly, remember that healthy relationships require respect, communication, and vulnerability and that overcoming ghosting and stonewalling requires courage and self-awareness.
Academic references:
Laura L. Carstensen, Jeremy Graff, Robert W. Levenson, John M. Gottman, Chapter 13 - Affect in Intimate Relationships: The Developmental Course of Marriage,
Editor(s): Carol Magai, Susan H. McFadden, Handbook of Emotion, Adult Development, and Aging, Academic Press, 1996, Pages 227-247, ISBN 9780124649958, https://doi.org/10.1016/B978-012464995-8/50014-5.
(https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/B9780124649958500145)
Veldorale-Griffin, A. (2023). Gottman Method Couple's Therapy. In Foundational Concepts and Models of Family Therapy (pp. 227-238). Routledge.