Every conversation we have would be positive, constructive, and meaningful in a perfect world. But the truth is, sometimes they're not. Sometimes conversations with our partners can be challenging, frustrating, and downright painful. And in those moments, it's all too easy to start stonewalling – AKA shutting down completely. We've all been there: You're arguing with your partner about something minor, and suddenly, you feel yourself becoming defensive. Your heart rate picks up, and your mind races as you try to develop a rebuttal to their argument. Before you know it, you've shut down completely – ignoring everything they say until the disagreement is over. Stonewalling might seem like a harmless way to avoid conflict, but it's only making things worse.

We can think of stonewalling as a defense against sitting with negative feelings about yourself or your partner, such as shame, anxiety, anger, contempt, fear, guilt, etc. Meaning that it might be really channeling to acknowledge and explore feelings that might be scary or threatening to our view of ourselves or the security of our relationship.  It can also be a strategy to deescalate (more on that later). 

What’s important is to understand (not judge) why it’s showing up for you.

What’s your hook?

First, work on identifying the moments you’re most likely to stonewall. Identifying what stonewalling looks like will help you slow down and begin to unpack the “how’s and why’s” of your shutting down. 

Bonus points if you can directly ask your partner while hearing their response, “when do you notice when I start to withdraw during arguments?” You might want to assure them that this isn’t a setup for an argument…but only if you can promise this. 

By identifying what happens when you start to shut down, you can learn the potential triggers for stonewalling. Which can then lead to working on unresolved issues that maintain this destructive relationship pattern, with or without a therapist. 

By understanding the triggers for stonewalling, you can work on interrupting this pattern before it further breaks your connection with your partner. 

Typical reasons, some prettier than others, that people stonewall are:

• They don’t feel safe enough to talk openly about their thoughts and feelings

• They’re overwhelmed and can’t think straight

• They’re afraid if they speak while angry, they’ll say something harmful

• A trauma history informs how they respond to conflict or threat

• There is guilt and shame associated with what they did or who they are. By shutting down the conversation they are avoiding having a spotlight on their flaws

• They have learned that they can get what they want by withholding attention or affection (manipulation) 

Take a moment and consider which of these rings true for you. Try to be honest with yourself. Try not to make any whole-person judgments about yourself based on this exercise. 

Ask yourself, “why am I stonewalling?”

What is your intention and strategy behind stonewalling? You likely don’t have a fully fleshed out strategy behind stonewalling, but if it is a pattern your system involves this reaction for a reason. Your job is to find out why this style of defensiveness shows up for you.

Try asking yourself the following questions: 

Is your intention to get attention from your partner? If so, does it work? If it works, what does their attention feel like to you? Do they seem happily engaged or are they half-present? What are other ways you’ve been able to feel connected with your partner?

Is your intention to somehow let them know how much they’ve hurt you by withdrawing from them? If so, does it work the way you want? Does it feel like they truly understand the pain you’re feeling? How would you know they understand if you’re not talking to them? Is there another way to let them know what you’re feeling?

After you’ve stopped withdrawing, ask yourself; how do you feel about yourself and the situation? Do you feel like you were heard and understood? Do you feel like there was a resolution to the conflict or, is there a chance it will arise again? Is this a style of relating you want to teach others to do? 

We can be sympathetic and compassionate to the origins of why stonewalling occurs while still holding expectations and boundaries to encourage positive change. 

To put it another way, you can be understanding of why you’re doing that shitty thing while also holding yourself accountable to change it.

Is there a desire to change this reaction or do you like what you’re getting from it?

Take a moment to answer that question honestly. 

When is it stonewalling and when it’s taking time to cool down?

Taking a break to cool down is super important when you’re arguing with a partner.  The nervous system takes 20-30 minutes to regulate after going through fight or flight. So time apart is a fantastic strategy to calm yourselves down. If that’s the case, it’s important to name a time when you will return to the conversation. This is an important way to work against stonewalling. Find a time to revisit the discussion, and stick to it.

If you’re noticing that you’re needing longer than a couple of hours, it’s a good idea to check in with yourself.

Ask yourself:

• What are the main feelings I’m experiencing?

• Am I hurt, angry, sad, disappointed, rageful, contemptuous, numb?

• Are there any memories I’m thinking of while I’m taking space?

• What am I looking for during this time apart?

• How do I know I’m ready to talk again?

• Am I doing this to send a message or punish my partner?

Chances are you’re either trying to figure out how to talk to your partner about the issue, or you’re waiting until you feel safe enough to talk. What do you need to help get you there? 

Note: If safety is about your partner’s behavior or threats, please seek help and safety through domestic violence and intimate partner violence organizations (NCADV, CPEDV, The Hotline or call 800-799-SAFE). 

Learn ways to become present and talk directly to the problem

First, it’s important to recognize that your partner can’t fix you. 

While getting support from a partner is a wonderful part of relationships, it’s important that you do some of the preliminary work to help your partner help you. Some strategies to become present and talk directly to your partner about the problem:

• Mindfulness exercises to help regulate your emotions

• Talk to your partner about why it’s hard to talk about the issue

  • It might seem circular, but it can be a helpful strategy to unpack your fears and slowly get more comfortable talking about “the thing.”

• Go for a run or your favorite exercise routine to help regulate your nervous system

• Journal about what is going on for you. Use some of the prompts above to explore this habit

• Seek individual or relationship therapy

  
  

For some quick tricks on soothing your emotions, download our guide:

Found this article helpful? Please share and subscribe to our newsletter to stay up-to-date on the latest sex and relationship research and tips!

Rouse Relational Wellness is a sex and relationship wellness center featuring sex-positive, trauma-informed therapy for individuals and relationships. We also offer couples intensives, professional consultations, and workshops. All of our services are available online and our office is located in the Castro district of San Francisco, California. If you would like to learn more about our services, please visit us here.