Desire can feel confusing and complicated, especially when it seems like it's coming from nowhere. Often, sex and couples therapists see couples who have differences in their desire or libido. However, what is seen as low libido can sometimes be primarily a difference in how that person processes desire and arousal.

Is it better to have spontaneous desire, or responsive desire? What's the difference? And which one is better for you? Those are all great questions! Let's take a closer look at both types of desire and see what might work best for you.

First, a big shout out to Dr. Emily Nagoski, author of Come as You Are, a fantastic book filled with a ton of research on female sexual health, including lots of info on spontaneous vs responsive desire. I can’t recommend this book enough. 

Spontaneous Desire:

You’re getting ready for your day and feeling good, and with that you suddenly feel that surge of desire. You notice you’re turned on. Maybe you can make out, maybe you want sex. Either way, it seemingly happened out of nowhere or ramped up quickly, and your attention is focused on this now. Not only that, your body is responding to the desire with proper blood flow for an erection or lubrication, and maybe your breathing and heart rate are a bit different.

This is how some experience spontaneous desire. Or to put it another way you have the thought of sexual interest BEFORE your body responds physically. 

This is the type of desire that is most popularly portrayed in movies, television shows, and especially most porn. The actors lock eyes, there’s brief foreplay and then full on ravishing as if they went 0-60 in milliseconds.

This can certainly be hot, exciting and lots of people’s lived experiences. However it doesn’t have to be your experience all of the time, or most of the time. 

Responsive Desire:

You can go quite some time without thinking about sex. Maybe you’re stressed or busy, or maybe your mind is just naturally drawn to other aspects of life. However, your desire for sex and intimacy ramp up when your partner touches in certain ways, or you have a great night or watch a steamy movie. This is your desire responding to another stimulus. 

To put it another way, responsive desire is physical stimulus THEN thoughts of sexual interest. 
It’s the knock on the door to your sex life. It’s your partner giving you a massage or showing forms of consideration or respect to you. It’s a relaxing invitation to sex or sexual closeness (if you want). 

Is one better than the other?

To put it simply, nope. 

Neither are better than the other, and of course there’s a spectrum. What’s important is that you give yourself permission to discover which side of the spectrum you’re on. 

What contributes to either side of the desire spectrum?

The list can go on and on because it involves anything in your personal life or environment that can either help or hinder your access to your sexual self.

Examples of things that help: 

• Confidence

• Relaxation

• Feeling sex

• Limited concerns

• Ability to take a moment from your worries (when possible)

• Feeling safe and connected

• Trusting the person you’re with

• Gender expectations

Examples of things that hinder:

• Stress

• Trauma

• Anxiety

• Caregiving responsibilities

• Relationship struggles

• Low self-esteem

• Gender expectations

What’s important is that you know what helps and hinders your access to desire and pleasure. Take a moment and track what helps or hinders you.

We’ll be writing more about desire and arousal and various aspects to understand it through in a series of blog and social media posts on TikTok and Instagram. 

Press mentions:

Late last year I recorded two episodes of different podcasts to discuss sex anxiety. Somehow they were both released yesterday! 

If you have a moment and want to learn more about sex anxiety check out my interview on Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman, or for a more personal, sleep-deprived and humorous take on sex anxiety and mental health, check out my interview on the Pickles and Vodka podcast. 

Check out my addition to this expert roundup on reigniting intimacy in a relationship.

Lastly, if you’re not already following Rouse through social media or their newsletter, please find out more info here! We’re looking forward to continuing to share educational and informative content around sex and relationships.

Hearts and handbags,

David Khalili, LMFT

(Please note that some links are affiliate links to help with the cost of providing free educational content)

Rouse Relational Wellness is a sex and relationship wellness center featuring sex-positive, trauma-informed therapy for individuals and relationships. We also offer couples intensives, professional consultations, and workshops. All of our services are available online and our office is located in the Castro district of San Francisco, California. If you would like to learn more about our services, please visit us here.