When it comes to having sex, there are many things to consider. One thing that’s important for everyone to think about is using safewords. But what are they, and why should you use them? Here’s everything you need to know! 

Safewords can be really helpful in ensuring both partners have a good time during sex. They’re instrumental if one or both partners are new to kink or BDSM (Bondage/Discipline/Sadism/Masochism). Safewords let each partner know when they’re pushing the other person’s boundaries and when they need to stop. Plus, they can be a fun way to add extra spice to your sex life! 

When should we use a safeword?

Safewords are beneficial, and some might say necessary, part of kink. Safewords are used as a safety measure to stop or slow down erotic play. Allowing the slowing down or stopping is especially useful when you’re engaging in types of play with extra risk elements, such as using restraints, inflicting pain, or role-playing.  

What are examples of safewords?

It depends on your personality type. Some warm and lovey dom’s like their safewords to be flowery or romantic like “fields” or a poem by Rumi. Others like something that will snap them out of the scene, such as words like “Griffin McElroy” or “soulmate.” In comparison, the brutal doms go for “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” or a verse from Shakespeare. 

Depending on the type of play, it can be a good idea to create non-verbal safewords. Why non-verbal? If part of the scene involves the mouth of the sub being full or covered, you need another form of communication to signal when it’s too much.

Non-verbal safewords can be communicated through a series of taps like morse code or a particular hand signal. A non-verbal safeword also works even if talking is possible. However, sometimes the scene can get so intense that words are inaccessible, so having other modes to slow down the play can be vital in creating a safe enough scene. 

Dos and don’ts safewords 

What may or may not be an obvious piece of advice is to not use “no” or “stop” as a safeword. For some, playing with consent or force with a trusted play partner is what they’re going for. So “no” and “stop” are part of the scene and will send mixed messages to the top. 

As stated above, try having a few different ways of signaling a safeword to account for the possibility of a tongue tie. 

Yellow and red safewords 

It’s helpful to think of safewords as more than being used to stop a scene. Instead, think of these safewords as ways to help guide the scene. So while you may have a safeword to stop and get some space completely, you would also benefit from a safeword to indicate slowing down in intensity, such as a “yellow safeword” like a yellow traffic light. 

What could be some good yellow safewords for you to use?

You can use safewords in arguments, too

Safewords are not only for delightfully tawdry kinky sex. In future articles, we’ll go over this in more detail, but consider having a word or phrase to snap you and your partner(s) out of an argument before you cause more harm. It can be a silly word or a poignant reminder. Either way, the purpose is to slow down and stop when you get carried away at the moment. 

Comment below; what would an argument safeword be for you?

Rouse Relational Wellness is located in the Castro district of San Francisco, California. We provide sex-positive, trauma-informed therapy for individuals and relationships. If you would like to learn more about our services, please visit us here.