"It is never too late to be what you might have been." — George Eliot

Consider the story of Emma, a young woman who once struggled with insecure attachment patterns that hindered her personal relationships. Emma often found herself worrying that she was either clingy and overdependent or emotionally detached and unsure of how close she wanted to be to others. Recognizing these patterns as obstacles to her happiness, she began her journey of self-discovery and healing. Through therapy, self-reflection, and the support of her loved ones, Emma learned to understand the roots of her attachment style and actively work towards healthier, more secure ways of connecting with others. This was a long process full of ups and downs, excitements and fears, but her “work” of self-discovery, internal boundaries, and self-compassion shows the reality that we can all transform our attachment styles leading to more fulfilling relationships. 

There’s been a lot of attention given to attachment styles over the last few years, and rightfully so. Attachment can provide excellent insight into the how’s and why’s around our way of connecting with others. Understanding your attachment style can reveal patterns in your relationships, explain your reactions, and offer a path to improving your emotional well-being.

In previous articles, I discussed some of the origins of attachment theory. Today, I want to focus on a common question:

Does my attachment style change?

Spoiler alert: Yes, it does.

Can Attachment Styles Change?

It's not the easiest thing in the world to change your baseline attachment style, given that it is imprinted during our development. However, research by experts like Amir Levine, Ph.D., and Mary Ainsworth, Ph.D. has shown that it’s possible.

Just because someone has a base attachment of anxious-avoidant doesn’t mean they will show up like that across all relationships. Think about how you interacted similarly or differently across your past relationships. Consider the following questions:

• Did you show up the same way in all relationships?

• Did you have the same expectations of contact with you and a partner?

• Did you have similar concerns about your partner’s level of commitment?

• Have your partners had similar complaints about your lack of availability?

Chances are that while you may have a general trend towards one style, you likely had experiences acting out other attachment styles, whether they are secure, disorganized, anxious, or otherwise. For example, you may have a history in relationships where you’re feeling like you’re constantly asking for more because your partner is unavailable. However, a person or dynamic in another situation can give you the ol’ uno reverse and make you pull back with them.

Getting Closeness Just Right

Anxious attachment styles can be seen as mechanisms for maintaining a comfortable amount of closeness to and distance from an attachment figure. This strategy isn't always the most accurate, but it's one created from early childhood experiences.

If your childhood consisted of caregivers who:

• Weren’t always physically or emotionally available

• Felt inconsistent or unclear about their care or love for you

• Were emotionally or physically abusive or neglectful

Then you may seek the reassurance of your connection to others by maintaining closeness. It’s almost an unconscious thought of “If it’s close, then I can’t lose it.” You can likely see how this might not benefit a person’s mental health or the relationship’s health.

Why Would My Attachment Style Change?

Your attachment style was created through relationships with your primary caregivers and is potent because of this happening during your development. However, once you get older, your attachment style is not fixed. Just as your attachment style is created through a relationship with another person, it can change from other significant relationships.

For instance, if a person with an anxious attachment is in a relationship with a securely attached person, they can show signs of moving towards a secure attachment themselves. If they include talk therapy, they increase their chances. Therapy provides a safe space to explore your attachment style and work towards changing it. Diane Poole Heller, an expert in the field, emphasizes that healthy relational experiences are key to altering our attachment patterns.

Why Should I Change My Attachment Style?

This, of course, is entirely up to you. Some people with anxious attachment styles report feeling “exhausted” by the amount of time and energy they spend worrying about their relationships. They feel they would have more energy if they were more confident in their relationships.

If you identify as anxiously attached, what would be different if you were secure in your attachments?

Those who lean towards being avoidant may not immediately see an issue with their attachment style, other than receiving partner complaints. However, over time, they may notice that they seek deeper relationships and are uncertain how to foster them.

How Would I Change My Attachment Style?

Changing an attachment style developed from a young age doesn’t happen overnight. However, with enough positive, healthy relational experiences, your attachment alarms can begin to rest a bit more. You become less hyper-vigilant, and your relationship to closeness or distance becomes less tense.

Engaging with new, healthy relationships can help. This doesn’t only apply to romantic relationships; friendships, mentorships, and even therapeutic relationships can contribute to this change. Kristin Neff, Ph.D., a leading researcher in self-compassion, suggests that being kind to ourselves is crucial in this process. She states, "Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness, care, and concern you show to a good friend."

Self-compassion is vital because learning about and changing your attachment style can sometimes be painful. It's essential to be patient with yourself and acknowledge that this kind of self-reflective work takes time. Seek out support when needed, whether from friends, family, or professionals.

Practical Steps to Change Your Attachment Style

1.Acknowledge Your Current Style:

• Reflect on your past relationships and identify patterns in your behavior and feelings.

• Journaling can be a helpful tool to track your thoughts and emotions over time.

2. Seek Therapy:

• A therapist can provide a safe space to explore your attachment style and work towards changing it.

• Attachment and trauma-based therapy are effective approaches.

3. Engage in Healthy Relationships:

• Surround yourself with people who display secure attachment behaviors.

• Learn from their approach to relationships and try to emulate those behaviors.

4. Practice Self-Compassion:

• Be kind to yourself during this process. Change takes time and effort.

• Use positive affirmations and remind yourself of your progress.

5. Educate Yourself:

• Read books and articles on attachment theory and self-improvement.

• Attend workshops or webinars to deepen your understanding.

6. Communicate Openly:

• Practice open and honest communication with your partners and loved ones.

• Express your needs and concerns clearly and respectfully.

So What Do You Think?

Have you experienced your attachment style changing over time? Have you noticed your attachment style looking different in different types of relationships? Comment below and share this article with others to keep the discussion going.

Remember, changing your attachment style is a journey that requires time, effort, and patience. By understanding your attachment patterns and engaging in healthy relationships, you can build deeper and more secure connections with yourself and others. If this feels heavy, take your time with this self-reflective work and seek support when needed.

Interested in learning more about attachment styles and how to change them? Book a complimentary consult with our team and start your journey towards healthier relationships.