The wheel of consent is a model designed to provide clarity in interactions. While this model is great for all aspects of relationships, it is a major tool relationship therapists use in to resolve issues among couples. 

The goal of this model is to facilitate understanding between couples by exploring each partner's desires and whether those desires are being met. 

By default, most people in a relationship tend to not know if what they give is what their partners want. The wheel of consent ensures that couples identify and communicate what they want from their partners.

Who Needs The Wheel Of Consent?

You will find value in the wheel of consent if you are in a relationship and fall into any of these categories: 

• You don’t know what you want from your partner, and when you do, you find it difficult to communicate it with them

• You struggle to know if what you give your spouse is what they want and appreciate

• You find yourself accepting things you don’t want because it is safer to accept them than stopping your partner from crossing their boundaries

• You find it offensive when your partner tells you “no” when you cross their boundaries

The point is that the wheel of consent helps set clarity and establish a culture of consent between you and your partner. ​

What Is The Wheel Of Consent?

The wheel of consent was designed by Dr Betty Martin based on her professional experience as a body worker. After three decades of professional experience, Betty realized that people, including couples, struggled to know or communicate the type of touch they wanted. This led her to develop a wheel that asks two questions: “who is doing it?” and “who is it for?” 

After her realization, Dr. Martin began to lecture patients on the importance of identifying and communicating the kind of touch they wanted. 

Interestingly, the wheel of consent is not limited to touches but extends to other aspects of interactions between partners in a relationship.

The Four Quadrants of the Wheel of Consent

The wheel of consent is a four-quadrant model created by plotting two variables in an interaction against each other: “who is doing it?” and “who is it for?” Answering these two important questions together creates four possible distinct dynamics, hence the four quadrants.  

Using touch as an example, you can create four possible outcomes:

• If I touch you the way you want, I am SERVING

• If I touch you the way I want, I am TAKING

• If you touch me the way I want, I am ACCEPTING

• If you touch me the way you want, I am ALLOWING

In general terms:

• The act is from me but for you (SERVING)

• The act is from me and for me (TAKING)

• The act is from you but for me (ACCEPTING)

• The act is from you and for you (ALLOWING)

When you know which quadrant to place an offer from you or your partner, you know whether it is what you/they want. 

Putting this into perspective, if you ask your partner if you can hold their hands and they say yes, it means you have both consented to the interaction. However, the wheel of consent says the agreement is incomplete until you know who the touch is for, even when you know that the touch is coming from you, as there are many reasons you might want to hold their hands. 

One, you might want to hold your partner’s hand because you need physical contact, and they seem to be the one around you at the moment.

Two, your partner might be upset, and that is your way of calming them down.

Also, perhaps you notice some changes on their hand and want to take a better look at it. 

The point is that even while you both consent to the act and know who is doing it, it is equally important to know who it benefits to avoid crossing boundaries. 

 The Wheel of Consent in Other Aspects of a Relationship 

Again, the wheel of consent is not limited to only touches. You can benefit from it in other day-to-day interactions between you and your partner. 

For example, if you need to go on vacation and you ask your spouse (Mike) if they would like to come with you and they give in to the offer, there are four possible outcomes. 

One, you want Mike to go with you because he understands the terrain and can guide you on where to visit and where not to (it is for you).

Two, Mike has been longing to visit the place and needs someone to go with, but you choose the place because of him (it is for Mike)

Three, You and Mike have fantasized about visiting the place on your next vacation, and you will both enjoy it (it is for both of you)

Four, You don’t give priority to the vacation but rather to Mike, who you assume would enjoy it. However, Mike doesn’t care about the vacation but thinks it will be great for you (it is not for either of you).

When you ask the right questions, such as “Who is it for?” you can set your priorities right and prevent boundary crossing, resulting in a stronger union between you and your spouse. 

Applying the Wheel of Consent: Improving Communication and Intimacy 

Couple therapy experts often counsel couples using the wheel of consent for improved communication and intimacy. Couples who practice the wheel of consent understand what each partner wants, communicate well, and enjoy a better sex life. 

Couples often engage in activities that none of them enjoys, but each assumes the other enjoys them because of lack of communication and asking the most important question, “Who is it for?” which is the core concept of the wheel of consent. 

If couples define who benefits from certain sexual activities and realize those activities are not what either of them wants, they will not engage in such activities and will both be happier. 

Difference between “Want To” and “Willing To” 

​Relationship therapists advise couples to have an understanding of the difference between “want to” and “willing to.” 

Using sex as an example, if a couple consents to having sex because each one knows they will enjoy it, then the interaction (sex) is for both of them. Hence, they both want to have it. This is WANT TO.

However, if as they continue to have sex, one partner is burnt out and wants to stop, but they decide to continue a different but still sexual act because their partner enjoys it, they are willing to continue. This is WILLING TO. 

Understanding which side “wants to” and which side is “willing to” helps shine more light on the blind spot of the wheel of consent and strengthen bonds between couples. 

Furthermore, distinguishing the two helps when people specifically confuse “willing” with “wanting.” Just because you are willing to do something doesn’t mean you want to do it. It’s something you’ll need to check in with yourself about the true motivations and decide on the right boundaries for you. 

Conclusion

The wheel of consent is a crucial tool to navigate boundaries in a relationship. As a couple, knowing what you and your partner want helps prevent crossing boundaries and strengthen your union. 

Before embarking on an act with your partner, it is important to know which side the act falls to. Is it for them or you? Similarly, when your partner approaches you for permission for an act, asking yourself if it is what any of you want will provide clarity to your feelings. 

Do you need a relationship therapy service? Rouse Relational Wellness has got you covered. 

Book a free consultation with us today.