How do you show up in relationships? Do you often dive in head first to lose interest shortly after? Or do you maybe find yourself constantly seeking some type of validation or reassurance. It might all have to do with your attachment style. Your attachment style is essentially how you interact with other people and the world around you. There are four main types of attachment styles, and knowing which one you have can help explain a lot about your behavior. So what are the four attachment styles? Keep reading to find out!

In the last few years, mainstream media, growing research, and therapists have brought attachment theory and styles to the forefront of sex & relationship wellness. As a sex therapist and founder of Rouse Relational Wellness, I want to break down each of the four main attachment styles in an easy-to-digest format. Since this will be a short blog, it will be nowhere near an exhaustive explanation nor should it be used to diagnose. 

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Please Note: Use the information below to further your understanding of the foundations of attachment theory. Other articles have covered specific attachment styles, as well as expressing how they are not fixed parts of our personality.

If you’d like to learn more about attachment styles, I highly recommend a few books below to further your understanding.

Secure attachment

This type of attachment comes from early childhood experiences where you knew and felt the consistency of love and emotional availability from one or more caregivers. You felt their support and love. Currently, you don’t spend much time thinking or worrying about your relationships or connections with partners, but you are present and engaged when you’re with your them. You can leave for a trip without your partner and know that they will not only be there when you return but have the same mindset as yours. You appreciate autonomy and interdependence in a partnership, and find it easy to connect with others.

People who are secure often:

• don’t second-guess their partners’ commitment

• find closeness to others as being easy

• don’t hyperfocus on their relationship

• feel certain about their partner's love and connection

Avoidant attachment

This type of attachment comes from early childhood experiences where the caregivers are not fully emotionally present for the child. They may have been there to help the kid get their basic needs and requirements met; however, a strong absence of emotional & physical connection was apparent in the relationship.

People who are avoidant often:

• have a hard time naming their own needs

• like to do task-oriented activities or problem-solve

• closeness feels difficult or exhausting

• may find it difficult to relax with their partner

• may feel relief when relationships are over 

Ambivalent attachment

Those with ambivalent attachments usually experienced their parents or caregivers unable to help them process their emotions and calm down as a child. This inconsistency and unpredictability is why they may be unsure of how close they can or want to get to a partner. They may consciously or unconsciously ask themselves, 'is this person going to stick around?' 'will they actually love me?' or 'will they be there for me when I need support

People with this type of attachment style tend to:

• think about their relationship(s) excessively

• ask for reassurance, apologize constantly

• have a hard time with space

• expect abandonment 

Disorganized Attachment

This type of attachment comes from early childhood experiences where there was a lot of aggressive or chaotic conflict in the household. These types of caregivers often give mixed signals around care and love towards their children, which unfortunately results in leaving the child with a lack of certainty around safety and support.

Those with this type of attachment style can:

• hyperfocus on threats to their safety or relationship

• lack impulse control

• often feel like a failure, and have unpredictable emotional reactions in the relationship.

In relationships, they can seem controlling, Other indicators are having difficulty staying emotionally or physically close to another person, experiencing a large amount of triggers within relationships and feeling suddent drifts in their emotional state.

Reflective questions:

• As you look through these descriptions, which stand out to you?

• What phrase or expression resonates with you?

• Are there elements from multiple styles that you relate to? 

It’s important not to treat these categories as the end-all-be-all of your identity. Instead, take the opportunity to understand yourself and how you might be showing up. Change and growth come from self awareness and action. So stay curious about how your attachment style was formed and never cease exploring different, more secure ways to relate with others.

Please remember: We’re not here to judge anymore. That was left in the past with the creators of your concerns. 

We’re here to be in the emotions, accept them, understand them, and see what shifts we can make to help you feel like you’re following yourself, your values, and your needs.

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