The annual ‘Up Your Alley Fair,’ or to local’s ‘Dore Alley’ is upon us. For some, the weekend is marked by individuals wearing leather attire, puppy masks, bound by rope or even perhaps nothing at all. However, at a much closer look, Dore is a celebration of leather/kink/fetish identities that are commonly misunderstood and often deemed ‘perverse’ in the dominant society. 

Kink is regarded as an umbrella term to address the wide range of sexual fantasies, interests, and identities that are carried out with consensually agreed upon behaviors. It is common for folks to use kink in relationship dynamic(s) where erotization derives from power dynamics and/or role-playing erotic scenarios. For example, age-play between a “daddy–son” dynamic or submission-play between “handler and their pup” are common scenes. Engaging in kink is a vulnerable process where demonstrating traits of mutual agreement, openness, authenticity, and negotiation with play partner(s) may assist in making the experience(s) more enjoyable. 

Recently, reach conducted by The Alternative Sexualities Health Research Alliance (TASHRA)  has shown the positive impact that participating in kink has on mental health- helping individuals cultivate better senses of self-acceptance, positive relationships, autonomy, and personal growth. 

If you are curious about exploring your kinks and/or your ‘Sub’ or ‘‘Dom’ side, TASHRA, makes the following recommendations around sexual play with potential partners. 

• Be intentional around cultivating positive and nourishing experiences 

(e.g., determine scene play and number of partners beforehand)

•      Listen to and respect each other’s boundaries, especially sub’s 

(never undermine one another)

•      Allow negative feelings to surface and be worked through in the dynamic 

(e.g. Unhappiness, jealousy, guilt, etc.).

• Use a ‘safeword’

• Be silly, have fun with it

Exploring your kinks/fetishes/sexual desires is essential to one’s mental and sexual well-being. Reach out to a sex therapist to help you gain more clarity around your intentions, expectations, and boundaries. Relationship therapy can also help partners have a safe enough space to work through potential concerns or anxieties around introducing kink or understanding any desire discrepancies in the relationship. 

Colin Fyfe, AMFT is a sex and relationship therapist in San Francisco, California. He specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community, men's mental health, and substance use issues. Colin also offers online therapy.