Are you the type of person who panics when they’re not around their partner? Do you feel like you’re uncertain of your relationship even if your partner says they love you? Do you find yourself scanning for proof that they do or don’t love you? If so, you may have an anxious attachment style. But, don’t worry, there’s nothing wrong with you! 

Today we’re going to do an overview of anxious attachment. Then, in later posts, we’ll cover ways to navigate with and through your attachment style. 

Anxious attachment generally comes from early childhood experiences with our primary caregivers. Meaning the style and consistency of your caregivers’ parenting and availability can impact how you relate to others when you grow up. For example, a well-known study called “The Strange Situation experiment” by Mary Ainsworth looked at how infants reacted to being left alone with a stranger and how they reacted when their caregiver returned. Their reactions shared insight into how secure their attachment was to their caregiver. This study showed if the child felt secure in their attachment or insecure in knowing and feeling the consistency of their caregivers’ emotional availability. 

So it’s about my mom?

And your dad, and your granny, and maybe your uncle Larry. 

It’s more about your relationship with whoever was in your circle of primary caregivers. Some of the many considerations include:

• Were they reliable and consistent?

• Did you believe they loved you?

• Did you feel good about yourself when you were with them?

• Did they set consistent boundaries?

• Was there unwanted touch?

How you answer those questions can shed light on your attachment style.

Note: This post is for informational purposes only and is not therapeutic or medical advice. If you are struggling with concerns related to mental health and/or sex, please speak to a specialist for the personalized support and care you deserve.

In many ways, you learned how to be in a relationship by watching your caregivers interact with each other and/or friends and family and how they interacted with you while growing up. What your relationship looked like with your primary caregiver can explain how you relate to a partner. 

Why are you blaming my mom for my attachment style?

There’s more to it than just your parents. Early childhood relationships do not just influence your attachment style. Previous romantic and platonic relationships also impact it. In addition, experiencing a betrayal in a relationship can undoubtedly impact someone’s attachment style regarding trust and expectations.

What some Americans refer to as “baggage” are also attachment wounds and traumas from past relationships. These wounds can potentially show up in subsequent relationships where they can look like trauma responses such as fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. They can also show up as expectations or narratives we hold around betrayal or the trust of others. 

The work is helping your nervous system and mind regulate enough to differentiate between a real and perceived threat, such as distinguishing between reacting to your current partner breaking an agreement versus a perceived threat based on your history. 

An anxious attachment style shows up in many different ways:

• Discomfort being close to others

• Uncertain sense of self

• Difficulty knowing what you need

• Difficulty being away from your partner

• Difficulty soothing yourself

• Need for reassurance

You can learn more from the book The Power of Attachment by Diane Poole Heller, Ph.D. 

If you find yourself experiencing your anxious attachment style showing up, you can:

• Speak it: Talk to your partner directly and without blame. Share about your experience. Try using DEAR MAN or Non-Violent Communication if you feel like it will be hard to stay regulated during this conversation.

• Label it: Naming the emotional process you’re in can help regulate your emotions. You can do this with yourself or with a support person.

• Write it: Journal about your experience to give yourself the space you need and deserve to process.

• Therapize it: Seek out an attachment-focused therapist through therapy profile sites like Therapy Den, Inclusive Therapists or if you’re in California, you can reach out for a consult with us here.

If you’re finding yourself partnered with someone who can be anxiously attached, you can:

• Check-in: Ask your partner if they’d like to check in about the relationship to allow each of you the space to air out feelings, concerns, and hopes about the relationship.

• Label it: Share your experience with your partner when they have anxiety about the relationship. Share your experience as a fact, and without judgment. This can help your partner stay grounded and able to hear you. Try using DEAR MAN or Non-Violent Communication if you feel like it will be hard to stay regulated during this conversation.

• Make time: If it feels good to you, make some time with your partner to show them that they’re a priority. Try out some different hobbies that are great for couples.

• Bound it: Sometimes, anxiously attached partners can blame their partner for their feelings, leading to arguments. It’s okay to have boundaries and have limits to how you all argue. You can have boundaries regarding ground rules for arguing or requesting parameters when you have process conversations.

• Therapize it: Seek out an attachment-focused couples therapist through therapy profile sites like Therapy Den, Inclusive Therapists or if you’re in California, you can reach out for a consult with us here. Some modalities to look for would be EFT, Developmental Model, or PACT.

If you’d like to learn more, you can check out these resources:

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See you next week!

Hearts and handbags,

David Khalili, LMFT

Upcoming Workshop!

Feel supported by your partner

Do you find yourself struggling to communicate with your partner about sex? Do you feel anxious and worried, not sure where to start or what to say? Then this workshop is perfect for you.

Offering a sociocultural understanding look at how anxiety makes it difficult to talk about sex, we'll provide you with the guidance and tools you need to start having those important conversations.

Got questions? With time left at the end for questions and answers, this workshop is perfect for anyone looking to improve their communication around sexuality.

Can’t make it? A recording will be available the next day!

For Therapists in California

Rouse is also proud to announce that we are now approved by CAMFT to offer CE’s (Provider #1000132)!

Using relational-cultural theory, attachment, and DBT, we’ll offer a structured approach to understanding sex anxiety, as well as talking directly about it with a partner.

There will be time left at the end for Q&A to allow for more personalized approaches to this practice. For the introverts out there, feel free to email me with your questions to be answered at the workshop!

Learning objects include:

• Identify 4 factors leading to sex anxiety

• Describe 3 ways anxiety interferes with sexual activity

• Explain 7 steps to talk to a partner about sex anxiety

When: March 16th, 5:30 pm PST

Where: Zoom, link provided after purchase

How much: $37 (+$15 for 1.5 CE credits)

Who is this for: Those with sex anxiety, their partners, and their therapists (LMFTs, LCSWs, LPCCs, and LEPs)

Can’t make it?: Recording available the next day